chicken soup for the soccer lover's soul
by strongbears
Summary: kidou and gouenji are the best of friends
1. Chapter 1

"want to become a soccer freak, Gouenji?" kidou asks. do i need to finish th

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Kidou stood by himself, brooding. "Kageyama is ancient now, i didn't think people like him. Still existed anymore" Gouenji walked over to him he was wearing four shirts. "He won't for much longer if the corporate thieves get their way"

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"funny bakunetsu screw joke. Please laugh." said gouenji. Ha Ha said Kidou

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"merry christmas," says gouenji as he hands his best friend a parcel. Kidou unwraps the gift and soon uncovers a skintight spandex suit. "gouenji why did you get me a fucking spandex suit" kidou yells. "you always go around wearing the cape and goggles kidou, i thought you wanted to be a real superhero!" gouenji said hurt

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"merry christmas", says kidou as he hands his best friend a parcel. Gouenji unwraps the gift and a multitude of hair gel cans fall out the box. They keep falling out. "kidou where did you get all of this fucking hair gel from" gouenji yells. there is no response because kidou is buried in hair gel cans. Gouenji is buried in hair gel cans. There is so much hair gel

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"merry christmas" says endou, holding the parcels he was going to give to his two best friends. But endou is sitting alone in his house and gouenji and kidou are nowhere to be seen

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"when i'm older", Gouenji began, "im going to control soccer"

"when you're older" Kidou replies "I hope you don't control soccer"

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gouenji laughed at kidou's goggles tan line

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"you set my heart a(xel)blaze" breathed kidou. "is this a dub joke" said gouenji, unimpressed. "yeah" kidou said unapologetically, patting his shoulder. "no homo"

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one day, gouenji arranges to meet kidou at his house. However when he rings the doorbell nobody answers. Kidou is home alone but he is too busy watching Happy feet. "let me in kidou" gouenji yells ringing the doorbell again and again. But kidou is too far gone. Kidou gets low on the floor, breakdancing to his favourite hap[py feet musical number. Kidou loves happy feet so much

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"happy feet sucks" Gouenji said to kidou the next day when they walking home from school. The day after that, Gouenji was not at school. "he's just really late" said endou. Kidou knew better.

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Kidou receives a phone call from Gouenji. "Kidou, is your Hissatsu running?"

Kidou looked over and saw his penguins running on the treadmill

"yeah"

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"your pants are on fire" pointed out Kidou. "No they're not" Gouenji denied while trying to look as subtle as possible about slapping his own ass trying to put out the flames

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"i really, really do" Gouenji confessed "like to play with balls". kidou's eye brow twitched violently

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"lets be like the wind," Gouenji breathed heavily like death metal down kidou's neck, his bad breath mingling with the overpowering scent of cheap hair gel. Kidou farted

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Kidou shoved a soccer ball under his shirt and looked at solemnly Gouenji. "Gouenji, I am having your baby." Gouenji stared at him. "You are thE FATHHEER kidou dropped to the ground OH MY GOD ITS COMING OUT ITS CCOMING OUT GOUENJI CALL AN AMBULANCE GOUENJI IM HAVING YOUR BABY AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" gouenji went home. kidou continued writhing on the ground

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One day kidou and sakuma were taking a break from practice when kidou looked up into the sky and saw gouenji doing fire tornado. "thats Hot" Kidou said. Sakuma's eyepatch exploded.

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Kidou and Gouenji are acting in a sitcom. "I just can't sit still after hearing about penguins" is the first thing Kidou says once the cameras start rolling. The sitcom becomes a standcom. Gouenji wants a new job

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Kidou and gouenj w ere doin it up the butt when they came and left over glitter from prime legend scattered everywhere, clouding the room in a fine sparkling mist and getting into gouenji's eyeballs. " $%##%#^" Gouenji screamed. Kidou was wearing his goggles in bed so he wasn't affected

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"i have never had chicken soup in my life ever" said gouenji. kidou turned around "ur hair looks like a chicken"

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Kidou was studying for finals and he was really stressed. "gouenji i am so stressed right now, my head is so full of dread right now" he complained to gouenji. "you shouldn't make these jokes at your own expense kidou" gouenji said shaking his head. "what"

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one night when gouenji's dad is coming home from work he wonders why theres this fucking kid in a cape and goggles standing outside the apartment building holding a boombox over his head blasting some shitty teenage pop song. Its jonas brothers of course but gouenjis dad doesn't have time for jonas brothers because he isn't a weenie soccer player who listens to jonas brothers

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"Here we are at Seaworld, Gouenji!" he said so thoughtfully, so empathetically. Gouenji was mad. His breasts were sore because he was ragging it hardcore. Kidou was very excited to be at Seaworld. He jumped up and down and clapped at every penguin enclosure and screamed and laughed on the penguin ride.

"Boy, does Kidou love the Disneyworld of penguins." Gouenji was DISGUSTED. He hates penguins.

Kidou turned to him, making little waddling movements with his arms close to his sides and said, "What's wrong, Gouenji?" And Gouenji said "You inconsiderate, microwaved piece of penguin fat. You know I hate penguins more than I hate myself, even. Please, let's go."

Kidou got sad. He said, "But Gouenji, I won free tickets to Seaworld and knew I should take you! It was just bound for us. It was a couple's ticket, anyway. We're on a date, Gouenji! Besides, look! The pengins love you."

Gouenji turned to see all the penguins in the enclosure gathered, looking at him. He felt his onionhead starting to peel away. "No, no… This… This is impossible… this can't be… this… IS THE WRONG ANIME HAPPY FEET ISN'T EVEN AN ANIME 何これ WHY IS THIS HAPPENING どうして I'M NOT A FUCKING PENGUIN, DON'T TOUCH ME!" He pulled his pants up and stanky legged away while screaming, using his flippers as air paddles to propel himself forward in his penguin mating dance ritual. Kidou laughed and chased after him with arms wide open. It was a peaceful day.


	2. Chapter 2

Gouenji wasn't the best pupil at Sunday school. Often he slept most of the way through. One day the teacher called on him to answer a question. "Who created the Universe?" He asked. when Gouenji didn't stir from his slumber Kidou who was sitting behind him took a pin and jabbed him in the rear. "God Almighty" he shouted "Well done" the teacher said as Gouenji fell back off to sleep.

A while later the teacher called upon Gouenji for another question. "Who is our lord and savior" when Gouenji didn't respond from his slumber Kidou jabbed his rear again. "Jesus Christ" He cried.

Later on the teacher asked Gouenji a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after he gave birth to their twenty-third child" Once again he didn't wake from his slumber so Kidou jabbed him again. This time he shouted "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time I'll break it in half."

The Teacher Fainted


End file.
